Wk 13: Building Positive Relationships with your In-Laws

(http://www.interfaithfamily.com/blog/parenting/tag/in-laws/)

There is wisdom found in the scripture Genesis 2:24 which reads, "Therefore, shall a man leave his father and his mother and shall cleave unto his wife.." I think this is such as difficult concept for so many married people today. Growing up, a lot of us learn to rely on our parents and grow close to them as well as to our siblings. It can be such a transition to leave our parents and get married to our spouses. While we should take care to keep in contact with our parents, our relationship with them definitely is meant to change. I know of so many families whose marriages fell apart or spouses had a falling out because of something that happened with their in-laws. 

It can also be difficult for parents to let go and allow their children to become close to their spouse and a little more distant from their family. I was once given this advice when I was at my cousin's wedding years ago. I remember my aunt telling us to never, ever talk bad about our spouse, especially to our mother. One of the biggest problems with sharing our frustrations with our mothers concerning our spouses, is that she will most likely, intentionally or subconsciously hold that information against him now and in the future. A lot of times, you and your spouse work things out over time. While you may have forgiven your spouse and have moved past the issue or come to a better understanding of the cause of the issue, your mother was not involved. She may even bring it up in future situations or conversations. A lot of times your mother will form an opinion about your spouse based on your perspective and what you choose to share.

This is just one example of allowing in-laws to interfere with your marital relationship. I think it is so wise to keep issues between you and your spouse. Sometimes a mediator or church leader is needed to help with certain issues. Of course, if you are in a situation where you or your children are in any kind of danger or you are unhappy, then you should be able to reach out to your parents and ask for help. Just because your relationship changes doesn't mean it doesn't have to be great. Sometimes you have to miss out on extended family outings or holidays because you are forming new traditions with your husband and your children. You may also have to take turns visiting one another's families which means less time with your own extended family. It takes great communication and compromise at times, but you can still have a great relationship with your parents and in-laws while making your marriage a priority and keeping your spouse's best interest in mind. 

Wk 12: Becoming One with our Spouse

(http://www.iran-daily.com/News/14461.html)

Elder Eyring of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles wrote a great article called, "That We May Be One." In it, he described the many things we can do to become unified with our spouse. He also describes what we should avoid in our relationships that will distance us and prevent us from coming closer together.

God designed us to be eternal beings. He also created us for our relationships here on the earth to be forever, including our marriages. In this life, we are meant to learn and grow with our spouses as we prepare for the blessings that come with exaltation. Part of this process is becoming "one" with our spouse. This includes being one in purpose, unity and strength. It is important that we are selfless in our relationship. We should seek the happiness and well-being of the one we love. We must avoid temptation and seek to repair and repent as we make mistakes that distance us from each other. We should always remember that the Atonement will help us. We can change and do better. 

This also requires love and sacrifice on both ends. It takes each spouse giving 100% to the relationship. It takes love, communication, quality time together, setting goals and making plans, working towards various things together, etc. We must pray always and in those prayers we should ask the Lord to make ours and our spouses hearts as one. We make and keep sacred covenants. We stay close to the Lord. We will seek to have the Spirit with us as we go about our daily lives and as we look forward with an eye of faith. 

Our marriages will be blessed as we seek guidance from the Lord and promise to remember Him. As we come together with our spouses to read scriptures, attend church, fulfill our callings and support one another in theirs, make plans, hold family nights, work on our relationships.. .we will grow closer to one another. As we share dreams and work towards them together, we are also building a strong bond. Individually as we grow closer to Christ and seek to become like Him, we will automatically grow closer to our spouse. It takes continual effort and determination to make your hearts as one, but it is worth it and the blessings both now and in eternity are worth every sacrifice and act of faith to get there with our spouse and with our family.

Wk 11: Fidelity and Intimacy in Marriage

(http://hdwallpapersrocks.com/couple-love/couple-love-hugs-and-romance-photos/)

Joy and fulfillment in marriage is found in marriage when both spouses are committed to each other with complete fidelity. I think it takes a constant effort and mindfulness to be sure we are completely devoted to our spouse. It can be so easy to make seemingly small and simple decisions that may lead to more serious situations or that can slowly create distance between you and your spouse. 

In the book, Drawing Heaven into your Marriage by H. Wallace Goddard, he outlines 10 examples of this. Here they are in my own words: 

1.) Do not feed or dwell on feelings that may arise for another person outside of your marriage. Also, do not allow yourself to view media that encourages infidelity or that may sway you to have these thoughts or desires. 

2.) It is never wise to spend any amount of time with a person of the opposite sex no matter what you are doing. 

3.) Do not every flirt with someone who is not your spouse even when it may seem innocent. 

4.) Do not give attention to thoughts or feelings that may begin or develop for another person.

5.) If you continue to be tempted, or if you find yourself desiring or even acting on these thoughts or feelings, seek help from a spiritual or other leader. 

6.) Make time to spend with your spouse where you can enjoy one another's company and grow your relationship. 

7.) Ask God for help and strength. Seek to help others through service, time spent with family and other meaningful activities such as reading or playing with your children. 

8.) Avoid situations where you may be tempted to have thoughts or feelings for someone outside of your marriage. 

9.) Stay away from pornography, whatever you do! This is dangerous for so many reasons. 

10.) Find joy in your companionship with your spouse and find ways to keep your love alive. 

Wk 10: Charity

(http://www.unwinedpainting.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/heart-denver-unwined-sip-paint-charity.png)

I received so much insight from reading chapter 7 in H. Wallace Goddard's book called Drawing Heaven into your Marriage. This chapter is all about charity for your spouse. I've had a great interest in learning more about charity over the past few years. The best personal definition I have come up with after all is: "Charity is the pure love of Christ. To truly love someone is to see them through the eyes of the Savior."

I have found this to be true in my own life. The best example for me would be how much charity and love I have towards my niece. I love her so much and she can do no wrong in my eyes. She is 2 years old and just the cutest thing! It's easy for me to say I have charity for her and it's hard for me to believe that the Savior could love her more than I do! I think in marriage, it can not be so easy to look past the imperfections and highlight the goodness in them, like I can do with my precious niece. At the end of the day, it can be easy to see all the flaws in your spouse and to come up with reasons to justify your negative feelings towards them you may be having at one time or another. 

I absolutely love this quote from the book found on page 112, "As we feel love from Him and for Him, we naturally love like Him." Prayer is essential to learning charity. I am not currently married, but I know I've started to pray for charity towards the man I am dating. The longer we date and the more I get to know him, the more I see his imperfections and flaws. However, because of charity, I am usually able to look past all of that and know that among all the flaws, he has a good heart and not only does he love the Lord, but he also loves me. 

Having charity for your spouse doesn't mean your spouse won't make mistakes or that you might not get into disagreements from time to time. However, if you have charity for one another you are better able to get through them. You must be on the same page and have open communication with one another. I know the lines of communication have opened between my boyfriend and I regarding charity and our relationship. Because of this, I believe we are better able to understand one another and draw the Savior into our relationship in a whole new way that not only allows us to see Him more clearly, but to have more compassion and love towards one another. 

Wk 9: Dissolving Anger in Families

(http://vaks.in/index.php/2012/07/emoji-smiley-icons-big-images-high-quality-icons/)

Now more than ever, the adversary is seeking to destroy joy and togetherness in families. I love this verse in the Book of Mormon, the adversary is the "father of contention and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another" (3 NE 11:29). It's so easy for him to target the family where the family spends a lot of time together and where they are meant to enjoy one another's company. The home can be a place of peace and love. However, it can also be a place of contention and anger. 

It can be so easy to respond with anger when another family member does something that upsets us. However, we can also choose another way. We can choose to respond with kindness or take a step back and take a break as we gather our thoughts and calm our emotions. I think our immediate reaction may be anger, but with the Lord's help we can avoid that choice even when our most tempting triggers arise. 

We can use prayer to overcome our weaknesses and help us respond to our spouses and children with love and understanding. This really is the Lord's way. We are here to become more like the Savior, and he has given us our families to help us learn and practice. A great place to learn and develop the character of Christ is in our own homes. We can choose Satan's way and respond with anger, or we can choose Christ's way and, using prayer and the Atonement, we can learn to restrain our anger. 

Wk 8: Beware of Pride

(http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/10830.html)

What is pride? President Ezra Taft Benson wrote an incredible article called, "Beware of Pride." In this article, he outlines some of the characteristics and signs of pride. There is so much wisdom in what he shared. I think being aware of the different aspects of pride can help us recognize these characteristics on ourselves. Once we are aware, we can do something about it. We can become humble as we experience a change of heart and strive to do better and overcome the weakness of pride, in whatever way it manifests itself in you. Here is some of the insight from President Benson on the topic of pride:

Pride is competitive in nature. 

The proud tend to put themselves first and do what will benefit them without thinking of others. 

They have an "I am right" attitude and are not open to wisdom and direction outside of themselves.

They seek approval from others, especially of higher "rank."

It is easy for the prideful to see the pride in others but not in themselves.

Pride is not always from the top looking down; more often than not it is from the bottom looking up. (The poor envying the rich.)

Disobedience and inability to follow others. 

Selfishness and having a self centered demeanor.

Pride is power-seeking.

Any form of contention is prideful whether initiated or participated in. 

I know I've gotten caught in "prideful ways" especially in relationships. However, there is always hope! We can repent and do better. All we need is a change of heart and a willingness to improve. No one is perfect, but we can all strive to be a better spouse each day. By being aware of the different ways that pride manifests itself in us, we can stop those behaviors and thoughts that are potentially damaging to our relationship. Instead of being prideful, we can practice humility. We can put others' needs  before ourselves, seek to inspire and uplift others, offer service and be kind. We can pray for help as we seek to overcome these habits. We can look to those people whom we admire for their humility and seek to emulate them. We can be open and honest with our spouses and ask for their help as well. Armed with this knowledge of pride and how we can avoid it, we can improve our relationships and strive to become more humble in our lives and in our families. 

Emotionally Connected (wk 7)

(http://askdianne.com/marriage-holding-hands)

I love the idea that faith should be a focus in your marriage. I think keeping this in mind will help you and your spouse to keep an eternal perspective. Ezra Taft Benson said, "when we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives." I can see the wisdom behind this as I think about all the ways spouses are tempted to waste time. I know it's different for every couple, but an example I've seen is couples that spend a good amount of time watching television shows and movies. While this can be good in moderation, I don't think it should be a focus of life. So much time and thought can be wasted on watching back to back episodes on Netflix, or lounging around all evening watching movies. I think these activities can be beneficial when done in moderation, but not when taking the place of more important activities such as temple attendance and date nights. 

It's also essential that couples focus on the positive as much as they can. It can be so easy to get caught up in the negative attributes of your spouse or in the current situation you may be caught in. It's ok to face reality and accept what may be negative, but it is also important to talk openly with your spouse and work your way back into a positive place. In times of trial, it is essential to turn to Heavenly Father as well as your spouse. It can be so easy to follow the temptation to quit trying in your marriage when things get hard. However, repentance and forgiveness as well as communication and time can heal any marriage no matter how far gone it may seem. 

I love the ideas that John M. Gottman suggests in his book, the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. He suggests 8 steps for turning towards each other and holding a stress- reducing conversation with your spouse:

1.) take turns

2.) show genuine interest

3.) don't give unsolicited advice

4.) communicate your understanding

5.) take their side

6.) express "we against others"

7.) show affection

8.) validate emotions

Fondness and Admiration (wk 6)

(http://www.selfhelpexplained.com/how-happy-marriage-subliminal-messages-work)

In John Gottmans book, the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he talks about how we can nurture our relationships with our spouses through fondness and admiration for each other. The idea behind this, is to focus on the positives in your relationship and remember what you love about your spouse regardless of the trials and challenges that may arise. He suggests spending seven weeks following a series of  daily positive thoughts as well as a simple task. 

Some of the suggestions are brilliant. One example is thinking about a time where you've had some really good moments in your marriage. You are to choose one of those moments and take the time to write it down. Another is thinking about you and your spouse having common goals, then listing them out. One more I love is thinking about your spouse being your best friend. Then you are to think of a secret you've shared with them that has been kept between you. 

I love the idea of taking the time each day to think of something specific that you love about your spouse or something that has brought you closer together. The idea is to think of these things and complete the task during the times where you may not be with your spouse. I think it would be fun to do this exercise together. Maybe you could each choose something earlier in the day and then in the evening you can share what you chose and what you learned. I think sharing experiences together can strengthen your relationship and create additional memories for you to look back on. I also think it can help you get to know your spouse better and even be used to "check in" and see if any positive changes need to be made in your relationship to ensure your success and happiness. 

Behaviors that Negatively Affect Marriages (wk 5)

(http://www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/relationships/advice/a16991/how-to-stop-arguing/)

I loved learning about how marriage is ordained of God. I like the idea of everything God asks us to do on earth is patterned after heaven. We know that we must be sealed with our spouse in the temple to be with them forever. This is the pattern of heaven and this is what God requires of us if we are to be like him and live like him. Our marriages are meant to be a source of joy to us and they are also meant to give us experiences. Marriage is not always roses, and if we choose to, we can learn to become more like Christ as we communicate, compromise, and grow with our spouses. 

I also like the idea that in marriage, the happiest of spouses focus on the positive in their relationships rather than the negative. No relationship is perfect, and it always requires effort and each spouse giving everything the can to make the relationship work. In Gottman's book called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he talks a lot about the idea that marriages built on friendships last the longest and both are happier. It makes total sense to me that happy spouses genuinely enjoy each other's company and consider the other their closest friend. By nurturing their friendship, spouses can get to know one another better and know how to best serve, love and give to the other person. 

It is through friendship that we are able to sincerely trust and commit to one another. A relationship built on a deep and abiding friendship is bound to result in a successful and happy marriage. This doesn't mean you won't have bumps along the way, but it does mean that you are more likely to be able to repair your disagreements as you go. My mom is always telling us that "love is friendship set on fire." She often talks about her friendship with my dad. She considers my dad her very best friend. They still have arguments sometimes, but they have agreed to disagree and learned to compromise in their relationship. Their friendship runs so deep, that they are able to overcome the challenges that come their way. They are also sure to work on their friendship every single day. They communicate daily, plan dates together, spend quality time with each other, and put each other first in their relationship. I think my parents are a great example of making marriage work. 

Doctrine of Eternal Marriage (wk 4)

(http://quotesgram.com/eternal-marriage-quotes/)

I think there is a trend going on in the world today that men and women can choose to be single (or unmarried) and still live happy and fulfilled lives. While I think it is important to learn independence and have personal experiences, I think marriage to the right person can bring so much joy and fulfillment to our lives that we didn't even know was missing! There are so many reasons that our loving Heavenly Father has made marriage and families the center focal point of His eternal plan of happiness. God knows everything, and it would be wise to follow his council regardless of our complete understanding. Being sealed in the temple and honoring those marital covenants brings the promise of being with our spouse and children for eternity. 

This kind of relationship requires both spouses to give 100%. Both must establish and maintain an eternal perspective as they work out their differences and come closer together through faith, repentance and forgiveness, quality time together, compromising, relying and committing to one another, prayer, strengthening their relationships with each other as well as with God, and follow His council in all things. God's greatest desire is to have all of his children return to live with Him again. He has provided a way that they could not only return to live with him, but to return with their own families as well. Our families were always meant to be eternal. God never promised that marriage would be easy, but He promised that as we honor our covenants, seek the other person's happiness, serve and love each other, and keep Christ at the center of our lives that we would be blessed! Heavenly Father wants us to have the joy that he has and we know that it requires time and attention on our part. He knows and loves each of us perfectly and will help us in our marital relationships as we turn to him, seek his council, and strive to work on our relationships with our spouse every single day. 

Threats to Marriage (wk 3)

(http://wbsm.com/facebook-and-divorce/)

I think it can be easy to lose sight of the importance and sanctity of marriage. I love this quote by Elder Nelson of the Quorum of Twelve Apostles when he said, "disciples of the Lord are defenders of marriage." We live in a world where the tradition of marriage is threatened. It has become common and even trendy for couples to live together before they are married, if they choose to get married at all. We also live in a world where it is becoming acceptable for people of the same sex are able to be together and even get married in some places. The Family Proclamation to the World states that "marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children." 

Men and women are meant to compliment and complete each other. We have different strengths as well as different weaknesses. It wouldn't be fair to knowingly deprive a child of growing up with both male and female parental influences. A father and a mother can both love their children unconditionally. However, a mother and father will both give different needs to each of their children. I remember when I was growing up, my sister and I were constantly turning to my mom for advice and to talk things out. I really felt like she could relate to my experiences because the had similar experiences growing up as a female in high school and making big decisions etc. I remember there being a time where my mom said she was grateful to have my dad when my little brother came along. She didn't know what to do with a boy! I hadn't realized before then, that my brother is able to turn to my dad for all kinds of predicaments and advice because my dad can relate to him on a whole different level that my mom cannot. 

As a child growing up in a two parent household, I am grateful that I've had the influence of both a father and a mother in my home. I can't imagine not being able to go out camping with my dad and asking him for advice when I was having trouble with boys. I also can't imagine not turning to my mom for friendship advice and helping me through all the experiences I've had over the years as a girl and now a woman. I know that not all situations are ideal and there are many times when a mother or father cannot be present in a child's life for safety or tragic reasons. I know that in these cases, there are other role models and influences that these children experience in their absence. I know from experience, however, that it is ideal for children to grow up with both a motherly and fatherly influence. I know that men and women are created for each other. Through charity, humility, diligence, patience, service, quality time, compromising, communication, supporting each other, and working together; families can strengthen their relationships both now and forever. 

Marriage Trends and Divorce (wk 2)

(http://scottcountyclerk.com/marriage-license/)

Before even contemplating marriage, two people usually begin dating. They are getting to know each other and their different interests as well as common-ground. It is important to remember that any two people that begin a relationship are coming from different backgrounds where they had different rules, different families, traditions, familiar roles, experiences, trials etc. Eventually this couple may fall in love, become engaged and eventually marry. I love in Elder Dallin H. Oak’s talk titled “Divorce” where he said, “The best way to avoid divorce from an unfaithful, abusive, or unsupportive spouse is to avoid marriage to such a person.” I absolutely love this quote because I think it can be so easy to be blinded by love. You may not be able to see a lot of the other person’s weaknesses and look past some of their concerning behaviors before you even enter into marriage with them.

 I have a friend that was married this past year. She had dated her spouse for a short time before they decided to tie the knot. About 6 months later, they were filing for divorce. She just kept saying how she had so many doubts and she wishes she would’ve listened to the spirit instead of going through with the wedding because she thought it was what she wanted. So many of his abusive qualities were seen before she was even engaged to him; but she chose to ignore the warning signs and believe him when he promised to change.

 I think there are times where your marriage can be saved and others where you have to respect the other person’s agency and accept that for your safety and well being (and any children that are involved) that you must go your separate ways. I’ve also seen marriages saved through repentance, forgiveness, and realizing that no one is perfect. I have another friend who just celebrated her 3^rd wedding anniversary. Shortly after they were married and the “honeymoon phase” had ended, they began fighting and had very unhealthy communication. Soon after, they welcomed their first baby and that only made matters worse as my friend turned all of her attention and time to the baby and her husband devoted himself to his work. Eventually, they decided to seek help from their bishop. I am grateful that my friend shared just a little bit of her story with me because I learned so much from them.

 I loved in this week’s readings where we learned how important it is to make your marriage a priority and that there is always hope. My friend and her husband had dated for a good while and had been very prayerful about their marriage. They knew it was right, and they had been promised their marriage would be forever if they kept their covenants. I love that they didn’t give up on each other even though it was difficult. I learned that so many relationship struggles can be solved through communication! Forgiveness and understanding are such a huge part of it as well. You can’t expect your spouse to be perfect, and neither one of you are. I think it takes both spouses putting in 100% to make a marriage work. I remember last semester I learned in one of my family classes the relationship triangle. The husband and wife make the two corners at the bottom, and God is at the very top. As each spouse moves towards the Savior, they automatically move closer together.