The Transition of Marriage

Marriage is one of the biggest adjustments of our lives. Here we have two people that have dated, been engaged and are now living their lives together. They've most likely gotten to know each other pretty well over time and have decided that they love each other enough to want to make the commitment of marriage. I think the idea of marriage can sometimes be a lot different than reality. Sometimes the fantasy of marriage can seem so great and it can be difficult to remember that marriage is also challenging and the adjustment period after the wedding can be a very difficult experience. 

Here we have two people that, although they are in love, come from two different backgrounds and maybe even lifestyles. These two people grew up in different households with different rules, parents, siblings, experiences, trials and memories. It can be such an adjustment to merge these two lifestyles into one household. One spouse might do things completely different than the other. They may also disagree on the way some things should be done. This is one of the reasons why it would be important to be aware of this adjustment and to keep open communication in the first part of marriage so these differences can be resolved and healthy compromises can be made. 

There are so many different things that can become one as these two spouses begin their lives together. One example is finances; both where the money comes from and the expenses that need to be paid for. These two may be used to paying for their own expenses using their own resources. Another thing is merging households. Sometimes you both bring things from your own lifestyle and it can be a struggle as you learn to share everything. Sharing space is another adjustment that may take some getting used to as well as some compromises. While the adjustment stage can be difficult, it can also be a wonderful times to grow closer to your spouse and learn to compromise and set boundaries in your relationship right from the start. 

Preparing for Marriage

Why do we date? There are three stages of finding your spouse and those include: dating, courtship and engagement. The period of dating is when we try to find out what we want and don't want in a spouse. We get to know people and see if their personality goes well with our own. We might even be able to see them interact with their family and that will help us know how they will treat us as well as our future children together. We can get to know their passions, their goals, their dreams, their experiences and what makes them who they are.

All of these things are essential in finding a person we want to spend the rest of our lives with. Once we find someone that is compatible with us, we usually begin courtship. Dating is fun and gives us experience. During courtship, we are better able to get to know the person. We begin dating with the desire to find out if who we are with would be a good match for us and if we decide we do want to get married someday. This is still a period of getting to know each other and beginning to consider our lives together.

Marriage is such a huge decision. Everyone will have their own story and no two stories will be alike. A lot of times, things don't turn out the way we think they will. For example, I think a lot of women that grew up in the church think they will marry a return missionary in the temple and stay home with their cute babies. While this does happen for some people, the traditional family is becoming very different in this day and age. We may have a couple where one or both have been divorced, one of them may have kids from a previous marriage, maybe the husband chose not to serve a mission, etc.

Sons and Daughters

We can raise a son and a daughter exactly the same, but they will not turn out exactly the same. Each child is going to be different because they have different temperaments. They're also going to be different depending on if they are a son or a daughter. There are many stereotypes when it comes to boys and girls and their differences in personality and temperament. For example, it is said that girls tend to be more nurturing, sensitive, caring, emotionally expressive, cooperative and relationship oriented. On the contrary, it is said that boys are typically more protective, disciplinary, competitive and task oriented than girls are. There are, of course, exceptions.

It is easy to over-generalize but it is not wise to do so. For example, someone's personality and temperament could change depending on who they're around at the time. Someone in our class said that she acts differently with her brother than she does with her sisters. Around her sisters, she is more emotional, talkative and sensitive. With her brother, she is more tough and talks about things she knows he's interested in. I think it's easy to label and over-generalize today, especially with what's going on in the world and in our own country.

It's crazy to me that gender roles and what is accepted in society has changed so much. I really don't think we need to try and be more like each other because we are meant to be different. Men and women need each other; with our strengths and weaknesses as well as our temperaments. That's why we need each other. We compliment each other. We are so much better together than we are on our own.

Family Cycles and Economic Class

There are many things that determine class. These things may include: money, education, lineage, roots, family structure, where you live, your neighborhood, your language and your occupation. Class is actually an aspect of your culture. Class effects the family in many ways. For example, if a family is upper class, and both of the parents work, then it's likely that the children have a nanny taking care of them. This would limit the childrens' access to the parents and possibly their culture as well. I remember I used to nanny for this family where both of the parents worked full time. The nanny before me was fluent in spanish and was teaching the children spanish before I came. When I started nannying for them, I used to work some Sundays and I would take the children to church with me. It's interesting that children seem to be greatly influenced by their primary caregivers whether it is the parents, child care teachers or nanny.

I don't think there is necessarily an ideal class for raising a family. I do think that each class has their pros and cons. For example, I've seen in many cases upper class families with entitled children that lack responsibility. I've also seen upper class families with responsible children that have great work ethic as well as goals and plans in life. I was raised middle class and that worked for my family. We had many great opportunities but also had to work for what we wanted. I also don't think it's a bad thing to climb the "class ladder." As long as you keep an eternal perspective and maintain values as well as priorities. Also teaching children to understand the value of a dollar and hard work.

We also have what is known as a family cycle. This is when the parents are from a certain class, their children, grandchildren etc are likely to follow in that same class. This is not always the case though. I've seen many times where the children of parents want better for their children, so they break the cycle. This happened with my own parents. My grandma grew up with many siblings and they were very poor. My grandma wanted better for her children, so she went to college and she and my grandpa started saving and budgeting to give my mom and her sister a better life. Now all of us grandchildren are expected to get our educations in hopes that we will be able to give a better life to our children as well.

Family Influences

Every family has those unspoken rules.. The things that nobody talks about but everyone knows. These things could be: the oldest rides shotgun, dad gets the remote when we watch TV, everyone has their place at the table, etc. The rules are different for every family. In class, our professor shared an example that explains this perfectly. Growing up, everyone in his family knew that mail was sacred. You never opened anyone's mail but your own and you wouldn't talk about anyone else getting mail and who it was from. When he got married, he came home one day and noticed that some mail addressed to him was already opened. It turned out his wife had opened the mail, thinking that that is what good wives do. These two grew up in two different households where family relationships were different and their family rules were also very different.

We all grow up in different households with different parents and rules. Each member of a family influences each other. Let's say that the more a husband complains, the more his wife withdraws. The more she withdraws, the more he complains. The more he complains about her withdrawing.. the more she withdraws, and so on. Each member of the family has a profound effect on each of the other members. Each member in the family also has a specific individual role. For example, one child may be the protector while another child may be the one that makes everyone laugh.

There are many subsystems in the family as well. We have the husband/ wife relationship, the wife/child relationship, the husband/child relationship and the husband/wife/child relationship, and so on depending on how many children you have. These relationships can be determined in strength by things such as where the family members sit when they all walk into a room together. Typically, those that feel closest to one another will sit next to each other. It's important to remember that even though each individual plays a role, the whole family is greater than any single family member and that each person influences the other in a profound way.

What Matters Most

"What matters most lasts the longest and families are forever." (M. Russell Ballard) 

I learned so much this week between class discussions, the readings, the videos, and the assignments that we had. It's so important to remember that there is no such thing as a cookie cutter family anymore. The ideal family consists of a father and mother that work together to provide a loving home for their children. Today, a family could consist of a single mother or father, an adoptive family, extended family members raising children, foster care, same sex couples raising children, and in some cases people consider their friends to be their family. 

We are social creatures. We are meant to have relationships and have an emotional connection with others. Our families should give us a sense of belonging. We should be able to turn to our families for support when we need it. Like I said, this isn't always the case; but it is ideal. Companionship is another thing that gives meaning to our lives and creates joy and happiness. Marriage is no longer a priority in many couples' lives anymore. The statistics of couples living together before marriage is astounding. It is becoming more common for a couple to have children before getting married; or without getting married at all. 

In the documentary called the Demographic Winter, we learned all the statistics on fertility and how that affects families all over the world. Something that stood out to me, was when they pointed out that if a couple decides to only have one child, and let's say that child decides to only have on child and so on; then everyone is affected. Schools will have less children meaning less diversity and friends for others, grandparents will have less resources for care as they grow older, the child won't have the experience of growing up with siblings, etc. This child also won't experience having the support of an extended family. This is such a sad reality. 

I am very close with my cousins, aunts and uncles. I've turned to them for support many times in my life. I am thankful for the Lord's stand on families and children. I don't want to feel pressured into having only one child or having many children. I think the decision to have children and how many is between you, your spouse, and the Lord. I definitely want children in the future and I'm thankful that the church has so many resources for families and recognizes the importance of family relationships and the hope that our families can be eternal.