Blended Families

A blended family is when two separate families unite into one. Let's say that a father of three children and a mother of two have divorced their spouses. These two meet and begin dating. Eventually they get married and their families come together under one roof. This is one example of a blended families. It takes great effort, compromising, trial and error and dedication to make this transition run smoothly.

There are some risks that can make this marriage a bit more challenging than others. For example, the mother and fathers' ex spouses could still be involved in the children's' lives. This could mean that the children are spending time in two different households. This could also mean two different sets of rules and boundaries. Children may be hearing negative things from the other parent as well that could cause tension and resentment when they return.

Maybe the father is the "Disneyland dad" where he comes around every once in awhile and takes the kids to do something super fun. He doesn't have to be there for discipline, rule enforcement, homework, etc. Parents may also fight to be the favorite, causing tension between the child and the other parent. It's also important to recognize that many children blame themselves for their parents' divorce. This can cause problems both now and in the future. The key to blending  a family is to create a new family system that is tailored fit for you. What works for you may not work for someone else.

What makes a great parent?

The reality is, that today many parents are losing control of their children. These are parents that most likely have good intentions, however they are not reaching their desired outcomes. Parents seem to be letting their children get away with a lot more than they should be. Children seem to "rule the roost" so to speak and don't have many rules. If they do have rules, those rules may not be enforced or the parents neglect to follow through with discipline. In order to avoid conflict, many parents let their children get away with seemingly harmless behavior while they are young.

Contrary to what these parents may believe, they may be doing more damage than good. Children need love but they also need boundaries, rules and discipline. They need to understand there are consequences for their choices and behavior, both positive and negative. By setting boundaries and stepping up as the parent, you are setting your child up for success both now and later in life when they reach adulthood. Some parents need to expect more from their children.

That being said, the most important thing you can do for your child is to love them. Spend time with them, go on adventures, play games, take trips and make memories. Part of showing love to your children is by teaching them rules and boundaries. Also by expecting them to follow rules, be respectful and understand the parent-child relationship.

Strengthening Family Ties

What makes a happy family? There are so many ways this question could be answered: playing, spending time together, learning, traveling etc. An ongoing trend, however, is that a family that works together creates a happy family. Back in the day, families were required to work together in order to survive and thrive. What were these family members most likely doing while they were working? They were probably telling stories, visiting and connecting with one another; all while making memories. 

The difference between working as a family and playing games as a family is competition vs teamwork. When a family is working together on something whether it is a project, a household chore, etc they are most likely having to work together to get the job done. This creates unity and in turn usually creates stronger family relationships. 

Families that work together will also learn many beneficial skills such as: effective communication skills, social skills, compromising skills, conflict resolving strategies, relationships structure, reliance, character building and problem solving skills. It is very beneficial to children to learn the value of hard work as well as the importance of play. It's also interesting to note that women tend to connect face to face while men tend to connect shoulder to shoulder. Even though women like to be social and spend time together and men bond by working together, all of these areas are addressed as families come together to work on things together; strengthening their family ties. 

Communication is Key

Miscommunication is very common in relationships. This is why it is essential that you say what you mean and mean what you say. Communication begins when a person has a thought, feeling or idea. Next, the person tries to communicate that idea so that the receiving person understands the message. Then, the thought or idea is communicated, whether it's by speaking, texting, writing etc. Then the message is interpreted by the receiver. 

It is essential to keep in mind that communication is not always about what you say. In class we learned about a communication scale. About 14% of communication are the words you say, 35% is the tone you use and 41% is nonverbal. Your body language actually does a lot of the communicating for you. So in reality, it isn't necessarily what you say but how you say it that matters. Your body language and tone usually determine how a message is received. 

Miscommunication also occurs when people don't say things directly, hoping the other person will get the hint. An example of this is when a girl is in the car and she asks the guy if he is hungry and wants to stop and get something to eat. The guy says that he's fine and isn't hungry. What the girl is actually saying is that she wants to stop for something to eat. You can see how easy it can be to interpret things differently than the person meant for the message to be received. 

We are always communicating, whether we are talking or not. One technique that works well to make sure you are interpreting a message the way the person intended would be to check for understanding. This is done by repeating back to the person what you think they mean and then asking, "is that right?" Asking questions to clarify will avoid a lot of miscommunication. If you are the person communicating, you could check for understanding by asking them if they understand what you're trying to say or seek to clarify. 

Relationships Matter

(photo via: http://www.scienceofrelationships.com/)

Let's look at some of the characteristics that create strong family relationships. It is essential that family members have open communication with one another. This goes for each family relationship within the family as well as the family as a whole. A big part of communication is asking questions and coming to a better understanding of one another by getting to know each other. Families that are close seem to be very comfortable around each other. They also spend a quality time doing things they enjoy.

There are so many benefits to having close relationships with your family members. It is so wonderful to have a strong support network for when you experience heartache and trials. It is also great to have a place where you can be yourself and where you are accepted. Having families can also help us have a sense of belonging, which is something we all need. Another benefit to having close relationships with your family is that you are able to turn to each other if and when tragedy strikes.

Often times when families experience a major trial, it initially does one of two things. It either brings the family closer together, or tears them further apart. It is essential that family members turn towards each other and rely on each other for strength and stability throughout the time it takes to heal. Each family member may respond differently and cope in various ways. Spending quality time with those we love has a tremendous effect on our coping with the trials we experience. Other sources of strength may be faith, prayers, counseling, support groups and just allowing time to pass as hearts heal and relationships shift. Having the support of a family makes such a difference when experiencing trials and having those strong relationships already gives you the perfect foundation for coping with them as well as with other trials that may arise in the future.

Protecting Your Marriage

Communication is key in every relationship including marriage. Talking openly with one another not only strengthens your relationship, but it also helps protect against miscommunication, resentment, and lack of trust. One topic that is essential to come to an agreement upon is social media. I hadn't ever thought about this until someone brought it up in our class this week. It was suggested that after you get married, you create social media sites together instead of having your own. I can see the wisdom in that and how it can protect your marriage.

It would also be important to agree on how you will use social media. For example, will you be posting personal pictures to the accounts? Will you be sharing information about your relationship with others? How often will we be accessing these accounts? I've heard stories of spouses cheating on  each other by meeting with someone they met on social media. You can also cheat on your spouse on an emotional level by re connecting with a previous girlfriend or boyfriend ,for example. It is very easy to make and keep secrets on social media as well if your spouse has no access to your account. With joint accounts, there are no secrets and your spouse can see who you communicate and what is being shared.

Speaking of conversation, it is also essential to keep your relationship issues between the two of you. When you go to an outside source, you build a connection with them instead of speaking with your spouse and working out the problem between you. You may also build resentment against your spouse. For example, let's say I go to my mother with something that my husband did that was wrong. The more I talk with my mother, the more she is going to resent him and may even make me feel worse about the situation and turn against him more. Now let's say that a few weeks have gone by, and my husband and I have made amends and left the past in the past. It is very likely that my mother still has negative feelings towards my spouse. She may even bring up this issue in the future as other arguments arise. That's not to say that your relationship wouldn't benefit from seeking outside help from a counselor or mediator if you can't work things out between you.. however, it is wise to keep your relationship struggles between the two of you and to work them out in confidence as to not include others in your issues and potentially create additional problems now and in the future.

The Transition of Marriage

Marriage is one of the biggest adjustments of our lives. Here we have two people that have dated, been engaged and are now living their lives together. They've most likely gotten to know each other pretty well over time and have decided that they love each other enough to want to make the commitment of marriage. I think the idea of marriage can sometimes be a lot different than reality. Sometimes the fantasy of marriage can seem so great and it can be difficult to remember that marriage is also challenging and the adjustment period after the wedding can be a very difficult experience. 

Here we have two people that, although they are in love, come from two different backgrounds and maybe even lifestyles. These two people grew up in different households with different rules, parents, siblings, experiences, trials and memories. It can be such an adjustment to merge these two lifestyles into one household. One spouse might do things completely different than the other. They may also disagree on the way some things should be done. This is one of the reasons why it would be important to be aware of this adjustment and to keep open communication in the first part of marriage so these differences can be resolved and healthy compromises can be made. 

There are so many different things that can become one as these two spouses begin their lives together. One example is finances; both where the money comes from and the expenses that need to be paid for. These two may be used to paying for their own expenses using their own resources. Another thing is merging households. Sometimes you both bring things from your own lifestyle and it can be a struggle as you learn to share everything. Sharing space is another adjustment that may take some getting used to as well as some compromises. While the adjustment stage can be difficult, it can also be a wonderful times to grow closer to your spouse and learn to compromise and set boundaries in your relationship right from the start. 

Preparing for Marriage

Why do we date? There are three stages of finding your spouse and those include: dating, courtship and engagement. The period of dating is when we try to find out what we want and don't want in a spouse. We get to know people and see if their personality goes well with our own. We might even be able to see them interact with their family and that will help us know how they will treat us as well as our future children together. We can get to know their passions, their goals, their dreams, their experiences and what makes them who they are.

All of these things are essential in finding a person we want to spend the rest of our lives with. Once we find someone that is compatible with us, we usually begin courtship. Dating is fun and gives us experience. During courtship, we are better able to get to know the person. We begin dating with the desire to find out if who we are with would be a good match for us and if we decide we do want to get married someday. This is still a period of getting to know each other and beginning to consider our lives together.

Marriage is such a huge decision. Everyone will have their own story and no two stories will be alike. A lot of times, things don't turn out the way we think they will. For example, I think a lot of women that grew up in the church think they will marry a return missionary in the temple and stay home with their cute babies. While this does happen for some people, the traditional family is becoming very different in this day and age. We may have a couple where one or both have been divorced, one of them may have kids from a previous marriage, maybe the husband chose not to serve a mission, etc.

Sons and Daughters

We can raise a son and a daughter exactly the same, but they will not turn out exactly the same. Each child is going to be different because they have different temperaments. They're also going to be different depending on if they are a son or a daughter. There are many stereotypes when it comes to boys and girls and their differences in personality and temperament. For example, it is said that girls tend to be more nurturing, sensitive, caring, emotionally expressive, cooperative and relationship oriented. On the contrary, it is said that boys are typically more protective, disciplinary, competitive and task oriented than girls are. There are, of course, exceptions.

It is easy to over-generalize but it is not wise to do so. For example, someone's personality and temperament could change depending on who they're around at the time. Someone in our class said that she acts differently with her brother than she does with her sisters. Around her sisters, she is more emotional, talkative and sensitive. With her brother, she is more tough and talks about things she knows he's interested in. I think it's easy to label and over-generalize today, especially with what's going on in the world and in our own country.

It's crazy to me that gender roles and what is accepted in society has changed so much. I really don't think we need to try and be more like each other because we are meant to be different. Men and women need each other; with our strengths and weaknesses as well as our temperaments. That's why we need each other. We compliment each other. We are so much better together than we are on our own.

Family Cycles and Economic Class

There are many things that determine class. These things may include: money, education, lineage, roots, family structure, where you live, your neighborhood, your language and your occupation. Class is actually an aspect of your culture. Class effects the family in many ways. For example, if a family is upper class, and both of the parents work, then it's likely that the children have a nanny taking care of them. This would limit the childrens' access to the parents and possibly their culture as well. I remember I used to nanny for this family where both of the parents worked full time. The nanny before me was fluent in spanish and was teaching the children spanish before I came. When I started nannying for them, I used to work some Sundays and I would take the children to church with me. It's interesting that children seem to be greatly influenced by their primary caregivers whether it is the parents, child care teachers or nanny.

I don't think there is necessarily an ideal class for raising a family. I do think that each class has their pros and cons. For example, I've seen in many cases upper class families with entitled children that lack responsibility. I've also seen upper class families with responsible children that have great work ethic as well as goals and plans in life. I was raised middle class and that worked for my family. We had many great opportunities but also had to work for what we wanted. I also don't think it's a bad thing to climb the "class ladder." As long as you keep an eternal perspective and maintain values as well as priorities. Also teaching children to understand the value of a dollar and hard work.

We also have what is known as a family cycle. This is when the parents are from a certain class, their children, grandchildren etc are likely to follow in that same class. This is not always the case though. I've seen many times where the children of parents want better for their children, so they break the cycle. This happened with my own parents. My grandma grew up with many siblings and they were very poor. My grandma wanted better for her children, so she went to college and she and my grandpa started saving and budgeting to give my mom and her sister a better life. Now all of us grandchildren are expected to get our educations in hopes that we will be able to give a better life to our children as well.

Family Influences

Every family has those unspoken rules.. The things that nobody talks about but everyone knows. These things could be: the oldest rides shotgun, dad gets the remote when we watch TV, everyone has their place at the table, etc. The rules are different for every family. In class, our professor shared an example that explains this perfectly. Growing up, everyone in his family knew that mail was sacred. You never opened anyone's mail but your own and you wouldn't talk about anyone else getting mail and who it was from. When he got married, he came home one day and noticed that some mail addressed to him was already opened. It turned out his wife had opened the mail, thinking that that is what good wives do. These two grew up in two different households where family relationships were different and their family rules were also very different.

We all grow up in different households with different parents and rules. Each member of a family influences each other. Let's say that the more a husband complains, the more his wife withdraws. The more she withdraws, the more he complains. The more he complains about her withdrawing.. the more she withdraws, and so on. Each member of the family has a profound effect on each of the other members. Each member in the family also has a specific individual role. For example, one child may be the protector while another child may be the one that makes everyone laugh.

There are many subsystems in the family as well. We have the husband/ wife relationship, the wife/child relationship, the husband/child relationship and the husband/wife/child relationship, and so on depending on how many children you have. These relationships can be determined in strength by things such as where the family members sit when they all walk into a room together. Typically, those that feel closest to one another will sit next to each other. It's important to remember that even though each individual plays a role, the whole family is greater than any single family member and that each person influences the other in a profound way.

What Matters Most

"What matters most lasts the longest and families are forever." (M. Russell Ballard) 

I learned so much this week between class discussions, the readings, the videos, and the assignments that we had. It's so important to remember that there is no such thing as a cookie cutter family anymore. The ideal family consists of a father and mother that work together to provide a loving home for their children. Today, a family could consist of a single mother or father, an adoptive family, extended family members raising children, foster care, same sex couples raising children, and in some cases people consider their friends to be their family. 

We are social creatures. We are meant to have relationships and have an emotional connection with others. Our families should give us a sense of belonging. We should be able to turn to our families for support when we need it. Like I said, this isn't always the case; but it is ideal. Companionship is another thing that gives meaning to our lives and creates joy and happiness. Marriage is no longer a priority in many couples' lives anymore. The statistics of couples living together before marriage is astounding. It is becoming more common for a couple to have children before getting married; or without getting married at all. 

In the documentary called the Demographic Winter, we learned all the statistics on fertility and how that affects families all over the world. Something that stood out to me, was when they pointed out that if a couple decides to only have one child, and let's say that child decides to only have on child and so on; then everyone is affected. Schools will have less children meaning less diversity and friends for others, grandparents will have less resources for care as they grow older, the child won't have the experience of growing up with siblings, etc. This child also won't experience having the support of an extended family. This is such a sad reality. 

I am very close with my cousins, aunts and uncles. I've turned to them for support many times in my life. I am thankful for the Lord's stand on families and children. I don't want to feel pressured into having only one child or having many children. I think the decision to have children and how many is between you, your spouse, and the Lord. I definitely want children in the future and I'm thankful that the church has so many resources for families and recognizes the importance of family relationships and the hope that our families can be eternal.