Wk 13: Building Positive Relationships with your In-Laws

(http://www.interfaithfamily.com/blog/parenting/tag/in-laws/)

There is wisdom found in the scripture Genesis 2:24 which reads, "Therefore, shall a man leave his father and his mother and shall cleave unto his wife.." I think this is such as difficult concept for so many married people today. Growing up, a lot of us learn to rely on our parents and grow close to them as well as to our siblings. It can be such a transition to leave our parents and get married to our spouses. While we should take care to keep in contact with our parents, our relationship with them definitely is meant to change. I know of so many families whose marriages fell apart or spouses had a falling out because of something that happened with their in-laws. 

It can also be difficult for parents to let go and allow their children to become close to their spouse and a little more distant from their family. I was once given this advice when I was at my cousin's wedding years ago. I remember my aunt telling us to never, ever talk bad about our spouse, especially to our mother. One of the biggest problems with sharing our frustrations with our mothers concerning our spouses, is that she will most likely, intentionally or subconsciously hold that information against him now and in the future. A lot of times, you and your spouse work things out over time. While you may have forgiven your spouse and have moved past the issue or come to a better understanding of the cause of the issue, your mother was not involved. She may even bring it up in future situations or conversations. A lot of times your mother will form an opinion about your spouse based on your perspective and what you choose to share.

This is just one example of allowing in-laws to interfere with your marital relationship. I think it is so wise to keep issues between you and your spouse. Sometimes a mediator or church leader is needed to help with certain issues. Of course, if you are in a situation where you or your children are in any kind of danger or you are unhappy, then you should be able to reach out to your parents and ask for help. Just because your relationship changes doesn't mean it doesn't have to be great. Sometimes you have to miss out on extended family outings or holidays because you are forming new traditions with your husband and your children. You may also have to take turns visiting one another's families which means less time with your own extended family. It takes great communication and compromise at times, but you can still have a great relationship with your parents and in-laws while making your marriage a priority and keeping your spouse's best interest in mind. 

Wk 12: Becoming One with our Spouse

(http://www.iran-daily.com/News/14461.html)

Elder Eyring of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles wrote a great article called, "That We May Be One." In it, he described the many things we can do to become unified with our spouse. He also describes what we should avoid in our relationships that will distance us and prevent us from coming closer together.

God designed us to be eternal beings. He also created us for our relationships here on the earth to be forever, including our marriages. In this life, we are meant to learn and grow with our spouses as we prepare for the blessings that come with exaltation. Part of this process is becoming "one" with our spouse. This includes being one in purpose, unity and strength. It is important that we are selfless in our relationship. We should seek the happiness and well-being of the one we love. We must avoid temptation and seek to repair and repent as we make mistakes that distance us from each other. We should always remember that the Atonement will help us. We can change and do better. 

This also requires love and sacrifice on both ends. It takes each spouse giving 100% to the relationship. It takes love, communication, quality time together, setting goals and making plans, working towards various things together, etc. We must pray always and in those prayers we should ask the Lord to make ours and our spouses hearts as one. We make and keep sacred covenants. We stay close to the Lord. We will seek to have the Spirit with us as we go about our daily lives and as we look forward with an eye of faith. 

Our marriages will be blessed as we seek guidance from the Lord and promise to remember Him. As we come together with our spouses to read scriptures, attend church, fulfill our callings and support one another in theirs, make plans, hold family nights, work on our relationships.. .we will grow closer to one another. As we share dreams and work towards them together, we are also building a strong bond. Individually as we grow closer to Christ and seek to become like Him, we will automatically grow closer to our spouse. It takes continual effort and determination to make your hearts as one, but it is worth it and the blessings both now and in eternity are worth every sacrifice and act of faith to get there with our spouse and with our family.

Wk 11: Fidelity and Intimacy in Marriage

(http://hdwallpapersrocks.com/couple-love/couple-love-hugs-and-romance-photos/)

Joy and fulfillment in marriage is found in marriage when both spouses are committed to each other with complete fidelity. I think it takes a constant effort and mindfulness to be sure we are completely devoted to our spouse. It can be so easy to make seemingly small and simple decisions that may lead to more serious situations or that can slowly create distance between you and your spouse. 

In the book, Drawing Heaven into your Marriage by H. Wallace Goddard, he outlines 10 examples of this. Here they are in my own words: 

1.) Do not feed or dwell on feelings that may arise for another person outside of your marriage. Also, do not allow yourself to view media that encourages infidelity or that may sway you to have these thoughts or desires. 

2.) It is never wise to spend any amount of time with a person of the opposite sex no matter what you are doing. 

3.) Do not every flirt with someone who is not your spouse even when it may seem innocent. 

4.) Do not give attention to thoughts or feelings that may begin or develop for another person.

5.) If you continue to be tempted, or if you find yourself desiring or even acting on these thoughts or feelings, seek help from a spiritual or other leader. 

6.) Make time to spend with your spouse where you can enjoy one another's company and grow your relationship. 

7.) Ask God for help and strength. Seek to help others through service, time spent with family and other meaningful activities such as reading or playing with your children. 

8.) Avoid situations where you may be tempted to have thoughts or feelings for someone outside of your marriage. 

9.) Stay away from pornography, whatever you do! This is dangerous for so many reasons. 

10.) Find joy in your companionship with your spouse and find ways to keep your love alive. 

Wk 10: Charity

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I received so much insight from reading chapter 7 in H. Wallace Goddard's book called Drawing Heaven into your Marriage. This chapter is all about charity for your spouse. I've had a great interest in learning more about charity over the past few years. The best personal definition I have come up with after all is: "Charity is the pure love of Christ. To truly love someone is to see them through the eyes of the Savior."

I have found this to be true in my own life. The best example for me would be how much charity and love I have towards my niece. I love her so much and she can do no wrong in my eyes. She is 2 years old and just the cutest thing! It's easy for me to say I have charity for her and it's hard for me to believe that the Savior could love her more than I do! I think in marriage, it can not be so easy to look past the imperfections and highlight the goodness in them, like I can do with my precious niece. At the end of the day, it can be easy to see all the flaws in your spouse and to come up with reasons to justify your negative feelings towards them you may be having at one time or another. 

I absolutely love this quote from the book found on page 112, "As we feel love from Him and for Him, we naturally love like Him." Prayer is essential to learning charity. I am not currently married, but I know I've started to pray for charity towards the man I am dating. The longer we date and the more I get to know him, the more I see his imperfections and flaws. However, because of charity, I am usually able to look past all of that and know that among all the flaws, he has a good heart and not only does he love the Lord, but he also loves me. 

Having charity for your spouse doesn't mean your spouse won't make mistakes or that you might not get into disagreements from time to time. However, if you have charity for one another you are better able to get through them. You must be on the same page and have open communication with one another. I know the lines of communication have opened between my boyfriend and I regarding charity and our relationship. Because of this, I believe we are better able to understand one another and draw the Savior into our relationship in a whole new way that not only allows us to see Him more clearly, but to have more compassion and love towards one another. 

Wk 9: Dissolving Anger in Families

(http://vaks.in/index.php/2012/07/emoji-smiley-icons-big-images-high-quality-icons/)

Now more than ever, the adversary is seeking to destroy joy and togetherness in families. I love this verse in the Book of Mormon, the adversary is the "father of contention and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another" (3 NE 11:29). It's so easy for him to target the family where the family spends a lot of time together and where they are meant to enjoy one another's company. The home can be a place of peace and love. However, it can also be a place of contention and anger. 

It can be so easy to respond with anger when another family member does something that upsets us. However, we can also choose another way. We can choose to respond with kindness or take a step back and take a break as we gather our thoughts and calm our emotions. I think our immediate reaction may be anger, but with the Lord's help we can avoid that choice even when our most tempting triggers arise. 

We can use prayer to overcome our weaknesses and help us respond to our spouses and children with love and understanding. This really is the Lord's way. We are here to become more like the Savior, and he has given us our families to help us learn and practice. A great place to learn and develop the character of Christ is in our own homes. We can choose Satan's way and respond with anger, or we can choose Christ's way and, using prayer and the Atonement, we can learn to restrain our anger. 

Wk 8: Beware of Pride

(http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/10830.html)

What is pride? President Ezra Taft Benson wrote an incredible article called, "Beware of Pride." In this article, he outlines some of the characteristics and signs of pride. There is so much wisdom in what he shared. I think being aware of the different aspects of pride can help us recognize these characteristics on ourselves. Once we are aware, we can do something about it. We can become humble as we experience a change of heart and strive to do better and overcome the weakness of pride, in whatever way it manifests itself in you. Here is some of the insight from President Benson on the topic of pride:

Pride is competitive in nature. 

The proud tend to put themselves first and do what will benefit them without thinking of others. 

They have an "I am right" attitude and are not open to wisdom and direction outside of themselves.

They seek approval from others, especially of higher "rank."

It is easy for the prideful to see the pride in others but not in themselves.

Pride is not always from the top looking down; more often than not it is from the bottom looking up. (The poor envying the rich.)

Disobedience and inability to follow others. 

Selfishness and having a self centered demeanor.

Pride is power-seeking.

Any form of contention is prideful whether initiated or participated in. 

I know I've gotten caught in "prideful ways" especially in relationships. However, there is always hope! We can repent and do better. All we need is a change of heart and a willingness to improve. No one is perfect, but we can all strive to be a better spouse each day. By being aware of the different ways that pride manifests itself in us, we can stop those behaviors and thoughts that are potentially damaging to our relationship. Instead of being prideful, we can practice humility. We can put others' needs  before ourselves, seek to inspire and uplift others, offer service and be kind. We can pray for help as we seek to overcome these habits. We can look to those people whom we admire for their humility and seek to emulate them. We can be open and honest with our spouses and ask for their help as well. Armed with this knowledge of pride and how we can avoid it, we can improve our relationships and strive to become more humble in our lives and in our families. 

Emotionally Connected (wk 7)

(http://askdianne.com/marriage-holding-hands)

I love the idea that faith should be a focus in your marriage. I think keeping this in mind will help you and your spouse to keep an eternal perspective. Ezra Taft Benson said, "when we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives." I can see the wisdom behind this as I think about all the ways spouses are tempted to waste time. I know it's different for every couple, but an example I've seen is couples that spend a good amount of time watching television shows and movies. While this can be good in moderation, I don't think it should be a focus of life. So much time and thought can be wasted on watching back to back episodes on Netflix, or lounging around all evening watching movies. I think these activities can be beneficial when done in moderation, but not when taking the place of more important activities such as temple attendance and date nights. 

It's also essential that couples focus on the positive as much as they can. It can be so easy to get caught up in the negative attributes of your spouse or in the current situation you may be caught in. It's ok to face reality and accept what may be negative, but it is also important to talk openly with your spouse and work your way back into a positive place. In times of trial, it is essential to turn to Heavenly Father as well as your spouse. It can be so easy to follow the temptation to quit trying in your marriage when things get hard. However, repentance and forgiveness as well as communication and time can heal any marriage no matter how far gone it may seem. 

I love the ideas that John M. Gottman suggests in his book, the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. He suggests 8 steps for turning towards each other and holding a stress- reducing conversation with your spouse:

1.) take turns

2.) show genuine interest

3.) don't give unsolicited advice

4.) communicate your understanding

5.) take their side

6.) express "we against others"

7.) show affection

8.) validate emotions